


Immortality

by Fujiwara_no_Seimei



Category: Ookiku Furikabutte
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-09
Updated: 2011-11-09
Packaged: 2017-10-25 21:40:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/275084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fujiwara_no_Seimei/pseuds/Fujiwara_no_Seimei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The thing was, he was the sort of guy you unconsciously assumed was immortal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Mihashi? How is he today?” Tajima asked.  
“Ah, he, um. He still hasn’t come out of his room,” Mihashi replied, balancing his cellphone on his shoulder so he could distribute his groceries evenly between both arms. Normally, he’d realize that kinking his neck would be just as bad as injuring his back, but none of that was of a big concern at the moment.

“Maybe you should call a doctor?” Tajima said. “It’s not good for him. Or you.”  
“Ah, but, he... he told me not to. Call a doctor.”  
“Well, he’s an idiot. What about his mom or something?”  
Mihashi quickly gave up on the groceries (because his neck was actually starting to hurt after all) and set them on a bench to finish his conversation, a block away from Abe’s apartment.  
“I don’t think....I mean his re...relationship with his mom is not...um... like yours. Or mine.”  
“Mihashi!”  
“Uwa...I...I’m sorry I just...I want to...listen to him...”  
“Mihashi, Abe needs help. He says he doesn’t need it, but he does. You are the only person close enough to him, so it’s your responsibility to get it for him! I, oh, I have to get to practice now-- yeah! one sec!”  
“AH! Sorry! Yuu-chan! Thanks for talking to me!”  
“Good luck, Mihashi! I’ll call afterwards!”

Mihashi stood at the bench for a good minute, looking at the screen of the phone long after Tajima hung up.

Tajima didn’t understand that Mihashi wasn’t disobeying Abe out of fear. It was out of empathy. He _understood_ Abe. He didn’t know _why_ he was acting like this, but he understood it. He’d never had someone important to him die, but he knew what it was like to be sad.

“A...Abe-kun! I’m...I’m here!” Mihashi announced at the doorway. Though he knew Abe wasn’t going to meet him, he had a small, quiet hope that he would. He’d have come out of his room, and would reach down to help him with the groceries, go on like nothing had ever happened. He’d watch Mihashi make dinner, careful not to touch anything and ruin it or get scolded. They’d have their usual awkward dinner and maybe watch a game and then Abe would see him off, and Mihashi’s heart would break all the way back to the station for failing to, for the hundredth time, ask if he could sleep over.

But instead, and like the past three days had been, Mihashi heard and saw no sign of Abe, so he pulled off his shoes and jacket and put the groceries on the kitchen counter.

“A...Abe-kun,” Mihashi said, peeking into Abe’s bedroom. “I’m back now. C- can I make you something to eat?”  
The only response Mihashi got was a rustling by the head of the bed, Abe shaking his head “no.”  
“Y- you should eat something. You... you didn’t eat since yesterday e...eve...ning.”  
Abe pulled his comforter over his head.  
“Ren, go home and stop worrying about me,” Abe grumbled, voice hoarse.

It was scary.  
Not the kind of scary he remembers in middle school, intimidated by his peers’ hatred and the threat of violence from teammates. Not even the kind of scared from high school, where any botched pitch, any notion of disobedience from him might make him hated once again. It wasn’t even the type of scared from when he entered university, worried that he wouldn’t go anywhere or make anything of himself without baseball and a team to support him.

This scary was worse than all of those.

So Mihashi had set to making some miso soup. Abe would probably end up eating that. Maybe.

“Hello, Ishida-sensei. This is Mihashi Ren. I’ll be absent from your lecture today again, because I’m taking care of a friend who is sick. Thank you.”

Mihashi hung up the phone and gave the pot a final stir.

\---

“Please, Abe-kun,” Mihashi asked, sitting seiza next to Abe’s bed. “You have to eat something.”  
“I told you, I’m not hungry!” Abe growled, still under the covers. His voice didn’t boom the way it used to, but that was not due to the current situation. He had toned down over the years.

Mihashi shut his eyes tight.  
He was scared, for sure. But just as Abe had been taught to be gentle, Mihashi had learned how to be brave.

“I’m c-calling someone.”  
Abe shifted.  
“What?”  
“I’m calling someone! To check on you. A... a doctor.”  
This warranted movement from Abe, and the threw off the covers to glare at his friend who was trembling on the floor.  
“Ren, I told you not to.”  
“I...” Mihashi said, steeling himself, fists clenched tight on his thighs. “I d- don’t think A...Abe-kun...knows...w...what is...best...for him...r...right now!”

“Mihashi, get out.”  
“A-Abe-kun--!”  
“Out! Out of my house!”  
“Please!” Mihashi said, mustering the courage to stand up. He almost backed down, almost took it back. _Don’t make me leave. I won’t call anyone, okay?_ he almost said.

But he couldn’t. This was too important.

“I don’t care if you hate me!” Mihashi shouted. And Abe was stunned, face twisting in a way Mihashi had never quite seen before-- at least-- he didn’t think he had seen before, because he wasn’t sure he was even seeing it clearly now, through his tears.  
“But I’m going to get someone to talk to you, even if it makes you hate me!”

Mihashi’s hand clenched around the key-- Abe’s house key-- his one, precious link to this world his friend was suffering in. He’d defend it if he had to. He wouldn’t let Abe take it away.

But all of a sudden, Abe was crying. _Abe_ was crying, and Mihashi didn’t know what to do. He’d never seen Abe cry. In the three days since the death was announced, Abe hadn’t cried.

It was almost a relief.

Mihashi stumbled forward and kneeled next to the bed. He took Abe’s hand, and he let Abe cry.

It lasted over an hour. Mihashi suspected he wasn’t just crying over the loss, but over a lot of other things, too. It was sad, but something about it made Ren happy. Happy to be here, to be the one to be with him.

Mihashi loved him _so_ much. That was the most frightening thing of all.


	2. Chapter 2

“He wasn’t my _friend_ ,” Abe corrected.  
“I see,” the doctor said. “Why wouldn’t you call him your friend?”  
“I haven’t seen him since high school,” Abe replied. “And I didn’t want to.”  
Doctor Kobayashi didn’t seem to be convinced of that, and was tempted to let it slide because he didn’t want to intimidate Abe from progress at the very first meeting. But he thought Abe was not only a classic kind of mourner, but also an open book, so he was pretty confident that he could handle his.  
“Were there some unresolved things between you two, Abe-san?”  
“You could say that,” he replied.  
“I can see that you’re a tough man, so I’m not going baby you...”  
“Real tough,” Abe snapped. “I cried like a baby for an hour yesterday. In front of him.”  
“Him?”  
Abe frowned. Then he gestured with his head towards the door, implicating Mihashi.  
“It’s not uncommon for people to feel depressed when acquaintances die. In fact, it makes more sense than you think to be sad about the death of someone that you haven’t had contact with in a long time. This is perfectly normal.”  
“Locking myself in my room for four days is hardly normal.”  
The doctor changed his original assessment from “tough” to “stubborn.” “Infuriating,” even. How did this man not implode on his own self-loathing already, he wondered?  
“Look,” he said, standing up. “I won’t prod you very far today. I think it’s very good that you let me come and see you. But the first thing I need you to do is get out of this room. Start with a bath, have Mihashi-san make you a meal and eat it in the kitchen, and then, if you can, go outside. Start there, and I’ll leave a number for when you want to talk.”

Abe just looked down at his lap, and nodded.  
“You’ll be fine,” he said. “Good luck.”

Out on sidewalk, Mihashi and his mother thanked the doctor for coming on such short notice. He told Mihashi what he’d told Abe, and left them with the name of a psychiatrist they could call if Abe really wanted to talk to someone.

“But,” he said, “he will probably be fine if he just opens up to a friend. As long as he doesn’t seem to be in danger of hurting himself, keep trying to talk to him. He clearly trusts you a lot. So make sure he eats, and get him out of that room.”

Mihashi nodded, and thanked the doctor vigorously.

As the doctor stepped into a cab at the end of the block, Mihashi’s mother put her hand on her son’s shoulder.

“Are you okay, Ren?”  
“I’ll be okay.”  
“You don’t have to stay here. We can call Abe-kun’s mother.”  
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “He doesn’t want to. He’ll close up again.”  
Naoe sighed. “You’re so brave, Ren. And a good friend to him.”  
“I’m not,” he replied. “Not at all.”

His mother finally left, at his insistence, and he went back inside. He was surprised to see Abe standing in the doorway of his room, but tried not to get too excited.

“The doctor,” Abe said quietly, “He said I should take a shower.”  
Mihashi nodded, and hurried over to him.   
“Yeah,” he said, gesturing for Abe to put his arm around his shoulder for support. “Y... you should.”

Mihashi’s heart was fluttering -- not related to the fact that they were touching or that they’d be showering, they’d done that plenty of times -- but because Abe was upright. Was talking. Was moving.

And Mihashi was ecstatic at the idea that he might have actually done the right thing.

Once in the washroom, Mihashi began unbuttoning Abe’s shirt. It took a minute to feel Abe’s perplexed gaze upon him.  
“Ah...Abe-kun...is...something wrong?”  
Abe just looked down at Mihashi’s hands.  
“You’re going to undress me?” He asked, voice a little shaky.  
“Ah!” Mihashi yelped, letting go. “I’m sorry! I...just thought...I mean I didn’t think so...”  
Abe stood there for a second, and Mihashi found the look on his face to be totally unreadable. Was he upset? Was he offended?

“You...can.” He finally said.  
“What?” Mihashi asked.  
“It... you can. Please, continue,” he said. Abe’s face was red.

Mihashi nodded and went back to work immediately. Five more buttons undone with shaking hands, and Mihashi lifted himself onto his toes to push Abe’s shirt off of his shoulders. Abe had rounded out since high school, but his shoulders were still gorgeous. His arms had always been amazing. He didn’t let his eyes linger, though, because now was not the time to be admiring, and he reached down to undo Abe’s pants.

Once the zipper was down, Abe halted him, touching his hands with his own. “That’s enough,” Abe said, voice breathy. “I can do the rest, thank you.”  
Mihashi nodded. “Do you...want me to go out...?”  
Abe shook his head, pushing his pants down and stepping out of them, arm braced on Mihashi’s elbow for support. “Will you stay?”  
It was a silly question, really. But Mihashi was glad to hear it.

\---

Mihashi was drying Abe’s hair with a towel when Abe’s house phone rang.  
“Don’t get it,” Abe said. At Mihashi’s obvious apprehension, he added, “please.”  
Mihashi nodded, and they waited in an awkward silence for the ringing to end. At the start of the message machine’s recording, there was a click, and there was silence again.

“What can I make?” Mihashi asked. “For you to eat?”  
“I... it’s okay,” Abe said. “You don’t have to.”  
“If...” Mihashi said, taking a deep breath, “If Abe-kun won’t pick something, I’ll just make curry.” He had meant for it to be a threat, since it had worked so well last time, but it came out sounding like he himself wanted curry and that’s what he really wanted to make in the first place.

Abe made _that face_ again, and for a moment Mihashi wondered if he was going to cry again. But he didn’t. This time, Abe smiled, something very tiny and just on the corner of his mouth. But it was a smile, for sure.  
“Alright,” he said.  
And that’s when Mihashi’s cell phone rang.  
“I’ll go outside!” he said. “I don’t recognize the number,” he lied, and let himself out onto the stairwell.

“Mihashi-kun? Is this Takaya’s friend Mihashi-kun?” Came a familiar female voice.  
“Y...yes, Abe-san. This is Mihashi.”  
“Oh,” she said, relief pouring from her. “Oh, thank goodness. You’re with him? Are you with my son?”  
“I am. Sorry I didn’t contact you myself. I promised him I wouldn’t. I wanted to.”  
“I know you did. Is he okay? He hasn’t returned my calls for three days. We were about to just come over--”  
“Please don’t!” Mihashi interrupted. “N...not yet. He’s... he’s eating. I make him eat. So, please, if you can wait a little longer. He needs to talk. First.”  
“I’m... grateful, Mihashi-kun, but... I... I’d really like to see him.”  
“I know,” Mihashi said, bravely. “I know, but... he’s fragile.”

Mihashi paused. He never thought he’d say such a thing about Abe. About _Takaya._

“I...see.” Misae said. “Then. Please. Take care of him. And tell him we love him. Shun doesn’t know that there’s anything wrong yet, but he will probably call soon like he usually does. Thank you, Mihashi-kun.”

“Yes. Thank you. I’m sorry.”


	3. Chapter 3

Day five was clearly the breaking point for all parties peripherally involved. Mihashi had made breakfast, and was eager to ask Abe how he was feeling, get him to open up about his mourning and why the death had effected him so much, but the phone would _not stop ringing._

First, it was Shun. He just left a message, oblivious to any turmoil.  
Second, Hanai called Abe. When he didn’t pick up, he called Mihashi, but Mihashi didn’t pick up either.  
Tajima called next, but he knew better than to ignore Tajima, so he took that one, and while on the phone with him, his mother called him, and at that point, he resolved to call her back later so he could actually talk to Abe, and he shut his damned phone off.

“You look...good today,” Mihashi said, clearing the dishes.  
Abe blushed. “That’s...thank you.” He was clearly conflicted about how to read that compliment, but he shook his head. “I’m glad you got me out of my room. I’m really sorry. About everything. All of this. You don’t have to do this.”  
Mihashi caught his breath, because it was the longest string of words Abe had said to him since this whole ordeal began. He thought it was a good sign. Progress.

“It’s okay,” he said. “I want to.”  
“You should go to class today,” Abe said. “Or at least go home and water your plants. I...don’t want your life to fall apart because of me.”  
“It’s okay,” Mihashi said. Though the suggestions seemed innocuous, he knew Abe well enough to see them for what they actually were. “My professor says it’s okay, and my mother will water my plants.”  
“Shouldn’t you get some clothes? Or go out and see Tajima or something?”  
MIhashi shook his head. It would not work. He would not be driven away. “I’m staying, Abe-kun,” Mihashi said. “U...until you’re better.”

Abe looked appropriately caught for a moment, before scowling and looking away.

“We’re talking...today,” Mihashi said, sitting next to him on the couch.  
“Wait, what?”  
“About him. About Haruna-san.”  
“Mihashi...”  
“We have to. We have to talk. You need to talk about him.”  
“Mihashi, I’m not... I don’t need to. This is--” Abe was getting flustered now. So Mihashi comforted him the best way he knew how.  
Abe’s hand froze under Mihashi’s, then relaxed.  
“I can’t talk about it,” Abe said, a last ditch effort to get out of it. “I don’t know how.”  
“T...try,” Mihashi said. “What do you feel. About... now that he’s...”

Abe was crying before the end of the sentence.

 

\---

Haruna Motoki had lived a life like a flame, burning brightest just before he was extinguished. He was scouted out of high school, even though Musashino never did make it as far as Koushien. He was drafted to the Giants, and after a break-in period, was a regular for a mere four weeks before an injury took him (temporarily, they’d said) out on hiatus. He was off the roster for six weeks before the next announcement was made, and it wasn’t even a big one. Didn’t warrant a press conference or even it’s own article; _“Briefly starting Yomiuri Giants’ pitcher Haruna Motoki hospitalized for indefinite period.”_

Abe had seemed personally insulted, Mihashi observed, at something... maybe the handling of the announcement? One in a list of many updates to the statuses of pro baseball players conditions and situations. For days, even though he hadn’t said anything about it, or even acknowledged it again after Abe had pointed it out in the newspaper, he seemed to be carrying some kind of indignation about the whole thing.

But even then, Abe clearly hadn't expected him to die.

\---

 

“Ren, I don’t want you to see me like this any more.”  
“I don’t care.”  
“Please. I’d feel better if you’d just go catch up with your normal life.”  
“But _I_ wouldn’t.”  
“I really can’t do this.”  
“Why?”  
“I’ll sound like an idiot. You’ll think I’m an asshole.”  
Mihashi paused, because he wasn’t about to say that he’d long learned the difference between an _asshole_ and an _Abe_. Nor was he going to mention that he was no stranger to this kind self-loathing. Or that Abe was the one who freed him from it. This was not about him.

Mihashi took Abe’s hand between both of his, shelled it gently in his palms. He rested them on his thigh. Looked up at his friend.  
“Talk, Abe-kun. Please.”

“I can’t.”

Mihashi sighed. He couldn’t give up now. Not now. Abe needed him. He wasn’t going to be driven away.

Not again.

“H- how about this. Then. Talk about anything. You don’t have to talk about... about _Haruna-san._ Just... _talk._ ”

Abe’s fist tightened around Mihashi’s hand.  
“Yeah,” he said, just barely holding himself together. “Okay. I can do that.”

It took a few minutes for Abe to get his bearings, to decide what exactly he wanted to talk about, but Mihashi found no need to rush him, he was relieved that it had worked. That Abe was going to _talk._

Abe took a deep breath, a leaned over so that his head was resting on Mihashi’s shoulder. It startled Mihashi at first, but then he realized that it probably wasn’t very comfortable, so he lifted his arm, guiding Abe down so his head rested on Mihashi’s thigh.

The ticking of the living room wall clock seemed impossibly loud.

Abe was still now, probably uncomfortable with the position, and Mihashi wanted to ask if it was okay. If he wanted to move, to tell him he was sorry...

But Abe just thanked him, in a quiet, tight voice, and slowly relaxed into his position.

And after what seemed like an eternity, he spoke.

\---

When Abe hadn’t answered his phone all day, Mihashi had known.  
It was 23 days after the announcement, and Tajima told him not to worry. Maybe his phone ran out of batteries, or he fell asleep, or whatever, _don’t worry._ But Mihashi knew. Not because Abe didn’t answer his phone. It was something else. Something that made his gut uneasy. So when Abe didn’t answer his door that night, Mihashi took the spare key hiding on Abe’s bike and let himself in. He was scared, and he was sad, and something in him knew that _Abe needed someone._

He found Abe on the floor in his front room, not crying yet, not looking like he’d cried at all. He didn’t comment on the fact that Mihashi had just broken into his apartment, or that he hadn’t answered any of Mihashi’s calls. Just pointed to the kitchen table with his chin, where his laptop was open to the article.

And Abe didn’t speak, didn’t cry-- just stared out the window as if he was been personally, emotionally wounded by Haruna’s passing.

Because he had been.

And Mihashi knew that. He just didn’t understand exactly _how_.


	4. Chapter 4

“Playing baseball with you was the best part of my entire life, Ren.”

Mihashi froze stiff. This is how he was starting the talk? What… _how_ was this…?

“I’m sorry for saying something that cheesy,” Abe said, letting out a nervous chuckle. “But it’s true. I don’t know what my life would be like right now if you hadn’t come to be my pitcher.”

“I’m... I’m not that special, Abe-kun,” Mihashi said, voice shaking from strain of trying to convince himself of that.

“I wasn’t a good person when you met me, Mihashi,” Abe said. “I was a bad person. I did bad things by you.”

“A...Abe-kun...helped me...” Mihashi said, shaking his head.

“No,” Abe said. “I hurt you. I was a bad catcher, and I was a bad friend. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never stop being sorry for it.”

Mihashi placed his hand on Abe’s head, just holding it there, still, in his hair. It was the most he could allow himself of the roaring urge to touch Abe, to hold him. To pull him close and tell him how wrong he was. How wrong it was for Abe to feel sorry about anything. But maybe he just misunderstood.

“You a...apologized for...that. At... after your knee. Injury. You... and I forgave you. So you shouldn’t... be sorry. A...Abe. Kun.”

Mihashi’s hand was shaking. He was stuttering as bad as he did back in high school. Why were they talking about this? He noticed, suddenly, the thigh of his pants getting damp. Abe was crying.

“I forgave him,” Abe said. “I forgave him, and I never told him. He’ll never know.”

 

\---

 

The first thing Mihashi had said that night was “Have you eaten?”

And Abe did not look offended. Did not look concerned at all, and still nothing had been said about the fact that Mihashi just came in his apartment without permission or _anything,_ which was making Mihashi uneasy because he’d never been good at waiting for scoldings.

“No,” Abe said.

With a full body jerk, Mihashi said, too loud, “I- I’ll get A-Abe kun some food! K...Katsu-”

Abe shook his head.  
“It’s okay, Ren. I’m not hungry.”

‘“A...abe-kun needs to eat.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.”

And even though Mihashi knew, _knew for a fact_ that it was a lie, he listened.

He listened, and left.

But he took the key with him.

\---

"It's not right," Abe said. "None of it. It doesn't make any sense."  
Mihashi agreed. But probably for completely different reasons.  
"What was the point?" He went on. "It just…"  
Mihashi's hand moved on it's own, petting Abe's hair in short, nervous strokes. If he'd noticed, he didn't mention it.  
"How…can that make any sense?"  
Mihashi just shook his head. Not that Abe could see it. But he could probably feel it. He definitely felt Mihashi petting his hair now, more relaxed, more natural.

"Why did you forgive me, Ren?"  
"Wh- why?" Mihashi repeated, hand stilling.  
"Yeah. Why would you forgive me after I did something so bad?"  
"B…because I…" Mihashi began. He stopped, though, because the answer was _because I love you_ and now was not the time for a confession. It was a perfect opportunity, but this was about _Abe._ "Because I… like. Abe-kun. And I… I knew I was wrong sometimes too, so…"  
Abe shifted a little, turning his face into Mihashi's leg, making Mihashi's ears go hot at the contact. Mihashi tried to breathe naturally, and tried to resist the urge to touch Abe's sensitive-looking hairline, his exposed neck. He wanted to feel it. He wanted to touch Abe so badly. He knew he'd never get this close to Abe again in his entire life so…

…but _no._ This was for _Abe_. So he went back to petting his hair awkwardly--

...and then he got it.

Mihashi understood.

\---

Mihashi came back in the morning, stopping in before his afternoon class. He almost tripped over Abe’s bike trying to get to the door, and set it back upright, carefully. He knocked, but got no answer, so he let himself in again. He'd come armed with a bento (it was supposed to be his lunch, but he didn't need it, not like Abe probably needed it,) that he would leave in case Abe lied about not needing to eat.

"Abe-kun?" He called.  
There was no answer. It was worrisome, but not worth panicking about. He was here somewhere. Maybe sleeping. Probably in his bedroom.

And he was. Curled up in bed in the same clothes he was wearing the night before. _Not_ asleep. Eyes fixed on the floor. _Sad._

No tissues. How had he been this sad without crying?

"Abe-kun," Mihashi said, a hundred sentences dying on his tongue: _How are you? How are you feeling? Are you okay? How can I help?_  
"Ren," Abe said, looking up. "I want you to leave."  
Mihashi stood his ground. Abe wasn't right. Wasn't okay. Mihashi knew that when things weren't okay, what you wanted and what you needed were not the same thing.  
"Did you sleep?"  
For some reason, Abe didn't lie. Perhaps there was no reason to.  
"No."  
"Did you eat?" He went on, taking advantage of the fact that Abe hadn't immediately told him to leave again.  
Abe closed his eyes.  
"I don't need to."  
Mihashi shook a little. When had he last eaten? And he hadn't slept? Mihashi couldn't imagine…  
"I b..brought. Food." Mihashi walked quickly over to Abe's bedside table and put the bento down. Then, overcome with the nervousness of having intruded, he scuttled back and stood back by the door.  
"You don't have to do that," Abe said.  
"I…want… to." Mihashi replied. "I… want Abe-kun to…" _rely on me_ didn't come out. _Why_?

"Mihashi, leave now, please."  
Mihashi didn't want to. But he had class and… and Abe had food now. So. It was okay. He could come back.  
"I'll come back," Mihashi said.  
Abe rolled over without arguing.

When Mihashi made it outside of the apartment, he collapsed against the door, panting. Tears came quickly. It was so scary. It hurt so much.

He wanted to make it better. Wanted to make Abe better. Wanted everything to be okay again.

\---

"D…did you. L…love… Haruna-san? Abe-k…kun?"  
Abe didn't even tense up.  
But he didn't answer.

Abe didn't hate Haruna because he loved him?

"It's not…" Abe said, "It's not like that. I mean. It's true. But I wish. I could have…" Abe sighed. "He knew how amazing he was. And then…"  
Abe shuddered again.

Abe thought Haruna was amazing.

It was true, of course. Mihashi couldn't deny that. Haruna _was_ amazing, but...

Suddenly Abe sat up. Leaned up on his elbow and looked at Mihashi. Looked perplexed.

Mihashi wanted to ask why, but when his own voice cracked, he noticed. He was crying too, now.

Abe sat up, face full of a clarity he hadn't had in days, and took Mihashi's face in his hands.

"Mihashi…" he said, roughly wiping tears from his friend's face, as if trying to erase them. Trying to undo them.

"T…tell him," Mihashi said. "Tonight."

"What?"

"Tonight is the last night. Of the wake. I don’t...I don’t really understand what Abe needs to tell him. But... you should. Tonight."

\---

Mihashi did come back, but he didn't wait until after class. He had managed to get himself _to_ his lecture, and sat through maybe five minutes of it, before he realized it wasn't worth it because he couldn't pay attention anyway. He slipped away as inconspicuously as he could, and went to the grocery store. Called Tajima. Called his mother. He was back at Abe's apartment by 13:30.

Mihashi was devastated to find that Abe had not touched the bento.  
Yelled at him, for it.

Thought that this was going to be the end of everything, for it.

Thought it was over, everything was over, everything was a mess. Abe was sick, Mihashi was scared, they’d ended up shouting at one another, and he didn't know what to do.

"Go back to class, Mihashi!" Abe shouted. "Leave me alone!"  
"I can't!" Mihashi cried. "Abe-kun isn't… he can't!"  
"I just want to be alone," Abe said. "Please."

Mihashi stiffened at this. He was being lied to. He _knew_ he was being lied to.  
So he left Abe in his room and went in the kitchen to make donburi.  
Because he knew, from years and years of being...

 _No one _wanted_ to be alone._

Not like this.

Abe eventually ate a little.  
And after a quick escape home for amenities, Mihashi came back and slept on Abe's couch.


	5. Chapter 5

It made sense that Haruna would have a two day wake. He was loved by so many, and this came as a comfort to Mihashi, on Abe’s behalf. They arrived after the mantras, and Tajima had helpfully gathered condolence envelopes for them before they met. Mihashi had made the mistake of turning on his phone, and so when they arrived, Mihashi asked Abe to go in without him as he talked down Abe’s family from completely flipping out on him for holding their son hostage.

Mihashi begged them to behave, to give Abe just a little more time to process his grief. He promised he would make Abe see them tomorrow, _tomorrow, I promise, but please, we’re at the wake now, please let us pay our respects._

When he went back into the house, it was still fairly full, and he caught sight of Tajima before he located Abe.   
“I saw him at the casket before. Taking his time.”  
“He’s not there now though. Do...do you see him?” Mihashi asked, panic rising.  
After two loops through the room and one outside, it seemed as though Abe had dissapeared.

After a near-breakdown by Mihashi, Tajima had the balls to ask Haruna’s sister if she had seen someone of Abe’s a description.

“She said he left with a guy named Kyohei,” Tajima said when he returned.

Mihashi didn’t know who he was, but for some reason, the fact that the name seemed familiar was comforting enough to let it go.

“Are you going to be okay, Mihashi?” Tajima asked.  
Mihashi nodded. “Y...yeah. I’m...going to go back to Abe-kun’s house and...and wait...”  
“No, you’re not,” Tajima said, taking Mihashi’s hand. “Come on, let’s go out.”  
Mihashi shook his head. “No. No, Yuu, I’m... I’m really tired. If..if Abe’s okay then I...”  
Tajima sighed. But he understood.

It must have been a while.

 

\---

 

He heard someone come in. Rather, he thought he heard someone come in, but he might have also been sleeping, so he actually wasn’t sure. But after a few minutes of lulling back into the haze, he felt him nearby, and then he felt a gentle touch on his jaw, and his eyelashes and his heart fluttered open.

Abe was touching his face, tracing the topography of it as if to confirm that it was real and part of a living person.

Mihashi blinked slowly, and when his eyes re-opened, Abe was still there, hovering. Looking at him. _Smiling._

Mihashi’s heart melted. Maybe it was the grogginess, combined with that beautiful, absolutely magical pink-orange glow of the rising sun. Maybe it was because Abe was smiling in a way he hadn’t smiled in, not just days, but _ages_ \-- serene and warm and adoring, and _oh God_ Mihashi loved him so much, so so much. So much it hurt.

Maybe it was because now, this moment, was the beginning -- or maybe the ending -- of something important. Maybe both.

The kiss was natural, gentle. No intensity. Just gratefulness. They’d leaned into it mutually, and it was over in a second, Mihashi still blinking the sleep out of his eyes when they’d finished.

Mihashi leaned forward, intending to reconnect the kiss and write it off as confused half-awakeness later, if he had to, but Abe pulled away.

As Abe moved, Mihashi realized that this wasn’t a dream or a book or a movie, it was morning, it was his life, and now Abe was pulling the curtains open to look down on the painted, groggy morning streets of Saitama.

Mihashi wanted to ask Abe when he had gotten home. Where had he been? Who was Kyohei? How did he feel? Did he “talk” to Haruna? Was he better? Was he happy? Was everything okay now?

But all he could do was look, mouth hanging slightly agape. Watching Abe smile down on the city, colored like fire and roses. Mihashi didn’t want to disrupt it. Wanted to cherish it, _this_ , the one moment only he would ever be privy to. A memory of Abe he’d never have to share with anyone.

But it was slipping away.

This week... this week was a blur. How many days had Abe been sick? How many days of class had he missed? Was Abe ready to see his family? What was--  
“Thank you, Ren,” Abe said suddenly.  
“A...be...?”  
“You can believe me, now,” he went on, still looking out the window. “I’m going to be alright.”  
“Abe!” Mihashi repeated, standing up from the couch. “You’ll...”  
“I’ll eat,” Abe said. “I’ll leave the house, and I’ll go to work. And I’ll visit my mother and I’ll call Hanai back. I mean it.”  
Mihashi’s chest got tight. Why...why wasn’t Abe looking at him? He took a few steps toward him.  
“So... you can go. If you want. I’ll be fine.”

No.

No, that was not fine.

Mihashi reached out and put his hand on Abe’s arm.

The contact made Abe shudder, made him turn his head down, and made the tears come.

Mihashi opened his mouth to say Abe’s name, but his body moved and Abe embraced him hard, stifling his quiet sobs. Mihashi let his head rest on Abe’s shoulder, and wrapped his arms around his friend tightly.

Why did this feel so much like a goodbye?

“Thank you,” Abe choked out. He kissed Mihashi on the cheek, and it was a quick thing, just a step between hugging and not hugging, and just as quickly, they weren’t embracing anymore, and Abe was wiping his eyes.

“Ren,” Abe said, looking happy like he hadn’t looked since they’d qualified for Koshien.  
“Abe-kun?”

“You... can keep the key.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, Herongale, for all your enthusiasm, support and supremely valuable help with my completing this fic.


End file.
